You weren’t there…

I woke up this morning and you weren’t there… the bed lay empty and I was instantly aware… up too early in an empty house… no child… no noise… just me…

You weren’t there because you died… or because I’m your go to guy… or because I don’t know what to do with an amazingly intense connection that feels as old as time and take you for my own… or because you told me not to fall in love with you… you weren’t there…

You weren’t there because I listen… because I’m the nice guy… I’m the guy you can count on… I’m the guy you all say you want but really don’t… until you get someone who isn’t… and you always do…

You weren’t there because I want something more… because I don’t want to just take you home and then send you on your way…

For so many reasons you weren’t there… but in the end you weren’t there because of me… for who I am… I’m safe… I’m your confidante… I’m someone who doesn’t give you the thrill you need… you tell me about what’s wrong with your ex-boyfriend… your ex-husband… your life… You never tell me what’s good… you never tell me what was right with your ex… you don’t want to tell me what I’m not…

When it comes to playing the game of love you don’t want a man who listens… you don’t want a man who’s there for you when life deals you a bad hand… you want someone you can fight with… someone who boils your blood… someone who makes you feel like you’re not good enough…

You don’t want what I want… and in that I’m lost … and destined to be so until I don’t care anymore… that’s my problem you see… I care…

Well I’m done caring… I’m done helping… I’m done being there… I’m done being your ear to listen to your woes… I want your friendship… but I also want more… I want your passion… I want your desire… I want your wild abandon… If only so I can give you mine…

How am I?

It hit me today, as I was speaking to a good friend (and good sport!) that as is my way, I often air my laundry in a public forum, that some have a bleak picture of how I’m doing, for all they see is the negatives in what I post… so I thought this was good opportunity to let the world know how I’m actually doing with everything… in doing so, it’s probably a good idea to also share with you all why I write what I do, and what it does for me, and that while what I post may paint a not so pretty picture, that in posting what I do, it’s simply part of my healing process, and generally an indicator that I’m dealing with important aspects of my grieving process… the negatives that I share are for lack of being able to talk to anyone else about it… no one else really understands unless they’ve been through it themselves… not even the people who lost Jen as well can understand my own unique perspective… for we all dealt with a different kind of loss… for me it was a wife… for others it was a child… and for another it was a sister… I don’t pretend to understand the pain others have felt… for my loss was different… as all of your losses were different from each other’s as well…

Yes, my wife died… she died just over 8 months ago… I haven’t seen her in 9… not really anyway… she really died 9 months ago… it was basically just that the doctors and machines kept her alive for another month beyond that…

I went through some really horrible times while she was in the hospital ICU for that month and in the time after she died… quite simply I broke… there’s no other word that even comes close to what losing her did to me… to say I was devastated doesn’t adequately explain anything about what happened to me… my world was literally torn apart… and it showed… I’m surprised I still have a job… surprised I made it through those darkest of times… but I did… I made it through to the other side of sorrow and despair… I found strength I didn’t know I had and kept on going… my daughter was a big reason I was able to… she is my world and my love…

But these days… now that time has passed… now that I’ve come to accept that which I cannot change… I’m OK… really, honestly, and truly… yes I miss my wife… I always will… nothing can ever change that…

There was a lot for me to miss… I shared more with her than with any other person I’ve ever known… we knew each other’s public facades… we knew each other’s dark sides… we knew each other’s deepest secrets… and we loved each other unconditionally even knowing everything we knew… we accepted everything we knew about each other… we might not have personally agreed on some things, but that was our secret to staying together… well not just our secret, but every happily married couple’s secret… the secret that many in this world never truly understand about love… never find in their marriage… that’s why so many marriages fail…

The secret is in accepting absolutely everything about the person you love… yes you can work together and change things that cause stress on your relationship, and yes my wife and I had things that stressed our relationship… but in the end, you simply just love one another… love each other in the way we knew what love was… it isn’t infatuation… it isn’t lust… it isn’t the high you get for the first 6 months of a new relationship… it’s work… it’s trust… it’s honesty… it’s acceptance… because no one else in the world is just like you… no one is perfect… there truly is no perfect match for anyone… you simply just love someone for who they are… the good, the bad, and the ugly… and when the bad or the ugly rears its head, you talk about it… no matter how bad or ugly, you talk… so long as you never break that trust… so long as you are always open and honest about everything… so long as you are each open to hearing things honestly whether you’re comfortable with them or not… then it works… and it worked with us…

Losing that which I had found with her was the hardest thing I ever had to cope with… losing someone who understood me… losing someone who knew my deepest darkest secrets and loved me anyway… it’s hard to find that… many people never do… don’t accept that’s what love is all about… and losing it was very hard… but that’s changed quite a bit in the time since she died… I’m simply happy now that I was able to share that with her… happy that I found that connection with another person, even though it was taken from me with no warning… happy that I can look back fondly at the time we did have together, and find joy in seeing her in my daughter’s face, and see that which we created together…

These days, missing her doesn’t hurt like it did… talking about it doesn’t hurt any more… remembering her makes me smile now… I’ve gotten through the trauma of the whole event and came out on the other side OK… sure, I have some bad spells… I probably will for a long time to come… that’s just the reality of death… I’m not particularly looking forward to my first Christmas with my munchkin without her… I may simply pack her up and head to see my brother for a few days… someplace more neutral… someplace sunny and warm… New Years Eve will probably be weird as well… it was the night we met 10 years ago this year…

But gone are the days of pining for my wife now departed… my bad spells these days have little to do with her, and more to do with me… with my new life… they have to do with loneliness… with adjusting to spending a lot of nights home alone after baby girl goes to sleep… with trying to fill those hours at night when I’m up… but even those times are generally OK these days… I’ll be honest… I do still cry some nights… not for her death any more… but for loneliness… for missing being able to do something as simple as talk about my day with someone when I get home from work… for missing being able to lay on a couch watching TV holding someone who I care for and not say a word… simply be happy and content holding someone in my arms… for missing sharing myself with someone… with sharing a life… that’s what I cry for these days… but it’s gotten easier over time… and in more time it will become easier still… that’s simply the reality of it all…

Grief is a weird thing… it’s the only word I’ve heard in my process of healing that makes sense… it’s not like a broken heart… I did have to deal with one when she died… but it was nothing compared to the empty feeling that grief brings… grief is weird because it hits you in waves… much like the ocean… you could be fine for a month and a half (as I have been since early September)… and then out of nowhere you get hit with a new wave… there’s not usually a trigger… it just happens… and you get through it and you wait for it to recede… happily the waves get smaller every time… they don’t hit nearly as hard… and most times they recede much more quickly than they did in the past… all in all, while I don’t know if “good” is the right word, as using it makes me feel a little wrong because it seems to belittle what my wife and I had… but generally I am good… most days are good now… I have fun with my daughter… I don’t feel awkward at family events any more… seeing her family together doesn’t bring me pain any longer… and even the loneliness of my nights alone is getting easier as time goes on…

My writing may paint a different picture though… and that’s why I write today… to allay any misconceptions… to lay it out so those of you who follow what’s going on with me since she died really know what’s going on… not many people ask any more… not really… they ask how I am… but they don’t want to hear things like what I write today… they want to know I’m good… they don’t want to delve into what’s really going on… I’m not the novelty I once was to them…

In not having anyone to talk to about these things, I write… you see my writing is my therapy… I don’t do the therapist thing… they don’t do anything for me I can’t do for myself… I’ve had a couple of experiences with therapists in my life, and we don’t get along… it doesn’t help me to sit in a room with a stranger and have him ask me questions so that I can come to my own self realizations of what’s troubling me… my writing does that for me… my writing allows me to organize my thoughts… allows me to cut through the periods where I have a lack of clarity… allows me to realize things… to let things go… many of the pieces I’ve written have had a cathartic effect… I realized that when I wrote “She Died…” back in early September… it helped me remember why I used to write when I was younger… in writing that piece, I faced everything that had been haunting me for 7 months head on… I put it to paper and shared it with the world… and in doing so I was able to let it go… writing that piece was a turning point for me… I still re-read it from time to time… I re-read a lot of my pieces… reading them helps me to finish the process of letting things go… when I’m able to pen my thoughts, it’s because I’m at a point where they’ve made sense to me… when they’re at a point where I can simply let them go…

So where am I now… that’s the question of the day… I’m alone… but coping… and doing well… I’m missing sharing a life with someone… missing having someone close… missing building a relationship with someone… and it’s something I want in my life again… I want to find a new partner in crime… I want to find someone who can share my serious side… someone who can share my fun side… someone who can share my music… and someone to have a journey with… maybe if I find the right person, a journey through the rest of my life… a journey through my daughter’s life…

Some of you reading this, depending on who you are, may not be comfortable hearing me say these things… for that I’m sorry… and for those people that think it strange that I would share something like this in a forum like this, understand and respect that this is simply my way… I know you may not all understand… but we’re not all alike in how we cope with things… for some it means more to keep these things private with those who are closest in your lives… understand though, that I have no one to keep these things private with… I have only myself… and sharing these thoughts is how I cope… it is simply my way…

For me, I’m happy to be able to say these things… I’m happy to have been able to weather the storm my life has been as it was torn apart earlier this year… I’m happy to be open to finding love again… I miss love… I miss sharing… I miss getting to know everything there is to know about another person… and for those who read these words who may not take this piece well, please look at my words that have been shared here and understand the love I had for my wife… understand what it was we shared… understand the respect I hold for her… understand what she meant to me and what she was in my life… but also understand that she can never mean those things to me again since she’s been gone… she’s not here for me to be with any longer… that’s a cold hard reality of my life… please find happiness in my healing and my desire to move on… people sometimes say things about how long is long enough… I don’t think you can put any amount of time on it though… you can’t say that it’s been long enough or not… only I can know that… only I can know when I’m ready to love again… and I can honestly say that I am…

To live a life alone…

I wrote once last month about being alone… about realizing that with everything that’s happened since Jen died, that what I had to do was figure out how to be alone… what I’ve found is that it’s one thing to realize that it’s what you need to do, but a completely different thing to actually try to figure out how to be alone and be OK with it… or maybe I’m phrasing this wrong… it’s not being alone that’s a problem… I’ve figured out and adjusted to managing the house… taking care of my daughter… keeping us afloat and moving forward in our lives… that’s not the problem… it’s the loneliness that goes along with it that I truly have a problem dealing with…

If it weren’t for my number 1 responsibility in life, I think it would be a different story… not that I would want it any differently than it is, but if I didn’t have my daughter to care for, I could probably be pretty well adjusted to my new life… adjusted to not having a wife… not having someone to come home to and talk about my day with… not having someone to fall asleep with… not having someone to wake up to every morning… all of that is bearable after a time so long as you can have basic human interaction… so long as you have the time to build new relationships… make new friends… explore your new world… and have the time to spend with them…

But that’s not the case with me…

I don’t have the luxury to be able to go out and meet many new people… I can’t pop out to meet a friend for a beer… I can’t go exploring new culinary adventures around my city… I can’t go check out new music happening at different spots I’ve wanted to see… well 2 nights a week I can… 2 nights a week I get to try to figure out how to have a life… to go from a life of having a family, but no close friends because my wife was pretty much centered around her family (somewhat myself and my daughter, but mostly her extended family)… she had no friends… at least no one we saw more than once a year or so… she had deep jealousy and looked down her nose at many others, especially women which was a problem for me because most of my friends throughout my life have been women – generally you can have much more interesting conversation… she didn’t form any kind of meaningful bonds with anyone I ever knew… as a result, we spent much of our time by ourselves… it was very rare that I could get her to go out with friends… that in itself was hard for me… while all the tests say I’m an introvert by personality type, I love going out and being with people… with finding conversations… debates… sharing life… for years I had to suppress a big part of myself for the sake of being married… for the sake of the happiness that having a family brought me…

I gave up a lot of myself for the marriage I had… I gave up a lot of who I was… but I did it gladly… in hindsight, probably not the best move, but I did what I did… I changed that a bit in the last year or so before Jen died… it was almost as if some part of me knew… or maybe it was simply coincidence… I could ponder that for years and never truly know…

I started re-kindling my connections… rebuilding neglected friendships… rediscovering myself… I did this one night a week… one night to live life… to dance… to hear music… to see the people I knew… but it was OK that I only had that one night… For on the other nights I was a father… I had a family… I spent my nights with them… I spent my weekends shopping… fixing up the house… decorating… or simply laying lazily in bed with my wife…

Now I find myself in not so different a situation… 5 nights a week I have my family… I shop… I do laundry… I clean… I take care of my daughter… but now our family is only the 2 of us… and on 2 nights I try to redefine my life… on those 2 nights I go out and enjoy myself… I live… I explore… I meet new people… I develop friendships… it’s not on those 2 nights that I have any kind of problem… it’s on the other 5 nights… it’s the nights that I’m here… alone… after 8pm when my daughter is in bed and I’m stuck awake for another 3 or 4 hours… that’s my schedule… I can’t go to bed most nights before midnight… 11 if I’m lucky… so that leaves me time… time to do what though? I can’t work on my music – I’ll wake my daughter… believe it or not, not many people want to come hang out with a widower trying to figure out the rest of his life… well that’s not fair to say… I have some very dear friends who do come and spend time… a handful of some of the closest people in my life… fellow SINGLE friends… friends without children… friends who on a whim can go wherever they want… do whatever they want to do… see whoever they want to see… maybe a restaurant tonight… or a concert… or a weekend away somewhere… they lead very rich, fulfilling lives in being single… and that often puts them on conflicting schedules…

And then there’s me…

Forced into single life again… single with a child… single without the benefit of being able to live a single life… many nights trapped… no one to see… no one to talk to… just myself and my thoughts and my big empty house… I want to be able to go to those same concerts… eat at those same restaurants… take those same trips… but more often than not I can’t… more often than not my life is dictated by a three year old whom I adore… a three year old for whom I would make any sacrifice in the world if only to provide her with some semblance of a normal life… some semblance of a family when hers was torn apart by my wife’s death…

I know she’ll never know the difference… I could do whatever I want… I could leave her with baby sitters every night of the week… I could leave her with strangers… I could leave her with any number of people in my wife’s family… I could live any life I want to live… she wouldn’t know any better… it would be all she ever knew… she wouldn’t know…

But I would…

I would know for the rest of my life that I wasn’t here for her when she needed me… I would know that I turned my back on the most important person in my entire life… I would know that until the day I died… and that’s not something I’m OK with… I’m not OK with not being the best parent I can for her… to be there for her any time she needed me… I wouldn’t be able to live with myself to not be here for her… that’s just me…

So that leaves me in an odd place… it leaves me in a place where I’m doing the right thing… but not knowing how to deal with it… there’s only so much laundry to be done… there’s only so many dishes that can be cleaned… I don’t watch TV all that much any more… it used to bother me how much we watched together when Jen was alive… there are nights that I catch up on my recorded shows… nights when I want to watch a movie… nights when I don’t want to have to do anything… but having to do that more than once or twice a week isn’t for me… I spent too long in front of the television… watched my pounds build over the years… watched my once lean body turn soft and fat with laziness and the distraction of the idiot box…

I’m left being here most nights… alone… no one to talk to… no one to feel a connection to… just me… dealing with my new life situation… alone and not able to leave… I don’t even think it would be that bad if I didn’t have a job that was so anti-social… I spend my days behind a computer screen… maybe a half hour or an hour of conversation a day with my colleagues… sometimes not even that… sometimes I don’t talk to another living soul for the entire time I’m there… sometimes I’m just buried in a computer… and then at the end of that day… when most people go home to their husbands or wives… or go to a bar with friends for a drink… or go for coffee at a cafe… go be with SOMEONE… I don’t get that luxury… I go home to my house with my 3 year old… I play the doting father… I cook dinner… we play… we watch a cartoon… I give her a bath… I get her ready for bed… I read her stories and I tuck her in… and then it’s 8pm… it’s 3 or 4 hours before I could even hope to fall asleep…

I’ve tried sleeping pills… they leave me too groggy… I’ve tried melatonin… I thought it was a miracle… I got to sleep at a normal hour… I slept 7 or 8 hours… but I paid a price… it can cause depression… I think that’s what I’ve been dealing with over the last couple of weeks… so no more melatonin… which means back to being awake, and alone, and not talking to anyone even later…

I’m back to my days alone in a hideous aqua blue office (what the fuck was the last occupant thinking with that color???) without windows, sharing a wall with our warehouse, noisy as all hell all day long… and then coming home and dealing with an empty house… no one to talk to… no one to connect to… just me, myself and I…

So I think I’m hitting a tipping point… I’m hitting a point where I need to find a solution… I need to find a way to bring a balance back into my life… I need human interaction… I need a chance to be able to build a new life… I need a chance to be able to build relationships, platonic and otherwise… I do want to try to find a mate again… I know that… I’m truly not happy being alone… I never have been, and I don’t think I ever will… some people are just wired that way… I like spending my life with another person… it makes me happy… but I want to find the right person… I don’t just want to find a filler in a currently empty position… I want to be able to take the time… to get to know people who interest me… get to know friends… get to know potential partners… get to know maybe the woman that someday might be my wife… but all of that takes time… it takes simply the time to be able to… and with how my life is now, I simply don’t have it… 2 nights a week isn’t enough time to catch up on things around the house and also live a robust life… maybe I ask too much… maybe I’m supposed to relegate myself to being alone at home and learn to live with it… but that doesn’t seem right to me… nor does it seem right to not be the best father I can to my precious little girl…

So I need to think of options… there are several…

I could lean on a family that’s mine, but not by blood, even more than I do… a family that I love, and appreciate what they do to help me more than they’ll ever know, but a family of whom I feel like sometimes gives too much.. it’s probably my difficulty in ever asking anyone for help… it’s not how I’m wired… with my upbringing, I’ve always tried not to ask for help… while it’s a stupid childhood psychological issue I have, I have memories of always being greeted with negativism when asking for help… it formed a foundation of independence, that while I’m thankful I have, prevents me from being able to ask anyone for help… prevents me from being able to even be able to do something as simple as call a friend and say “hey – I’m having a really lonely night – could you come over and hang out for a few hours and keep me company?”… I feel wrong doing something like that… I know I shouldn’t, but I do…

I could find a reliable babysitter… I probably have one… but no one but family has ever watched Baby Girl… I would need to break my rule of family only… I would need to find someone I trust enough outside of family to watch over the most precious thing in my life… that’s hard for me… but it’s a route I think I need to consider…

And then there’s door number 3… live in help… someone actually living in my house and providing child care as needed… someone I would have to let into my life… someone I would have to trust implicitly… someone who would see it all… but who would also be there for anything I needed help with around the house or with my munchkin… I don’t know how I feel about that…

So I don’t know what the solution is yet… I just know where I stand today… that I’ve been down for a week and a half… that my schedule and my life is starting to affect who I am, and who I can be… and in that someday it may affect who I can be for my daughter… that’s not acceptable any longer…

Quitting smoking…

I made a point not to write at all last week… the world didn’t need to see the insanity that crept into my mind from adjusting from cigarettes to the patch… it’s a subtle madness that takes you over when you make this switch… your brain adjusting to the psychological aspects of quitting smoking (what do you do with your hands… wow I really want one after a meal… no – no cigarette when I wake up in the morning) as well as stepping down from the long list of addictive substances in cigarettes (did you know sugar metabolizes into a highly addictive substance when it’s smoked?) to just nicotine… I was depressed, anti-social, anxious, and moody… not a good thing to share with the world…

But I made it through the first week… that’s the hardest for me… I’m an expert at quitting you see… this will make maybe 20 times I’ve tried to quit… it’s not quitting that I have a problem with… after that first week, it’s simply an exercise in following a schedule and being cognizant of the challenges you face as you step down from one dose patch to the next…

It’s staying quit that I have a problem with… after you’ve not smoked for 3 or 4 months you slip into a sense of comfort… you think “I can smoke just one cigar”… or you could be out at a club and think “Just one cigarette isn’t going to hurt”… but they do with me… that one starts to snowball over time… usually within 6 weeks I’m back to smoking regularly… this time around, no nicotine at all… in any form…

So here I am going into week 2… well almost actually… today is day 7… almost day 7 anyway… I stopped around 10am on Tuesday of last week… that was my last cigarette… let me reiterate – “THAT WAS MY LAST CIGARETTE… EVER… “… or so I hope… I can only go one day at a time battling a 20 year addiction… I’ve gone a year and a half in that period without smoking… had no inkling whatsoever to smoke again… then we had a murder suicide at my company… some wacko confronting his wife and her lover outside of our cafeteria in front of 50+ people… pulled out a .45 handgun and shot the lover 5 times in the chest before turning the gun on himself… that freaked me out… I made a conscious decision to start smoking again within 5 minutes… it was a coping mechanism for a pacifist such as myself… I never understood violence, and never practiced it… the world is too fucked up a place to have another person contributing to a larger problem…

So as I look at past experiences, past triggers that caused me to relapse in smoking, I’m left wondering… I’ve always had some type of coping mechanism to deal with stressful situations… a vice to fall back on… I’ve eliminated those vices from my life though… not entirely, but enough that they’re not vices anymore… they’re a once a week going out with friends lets get loose kind of activities… I’m plenty loose for the rest of the week as I fulfill the role of daddy to my munchkin… I still have my glass of wine or two on some nights (thank you doctor for giving me a clean bill of health after a slight scare!), but it’s not often these days… it’s a welcome reprieve to have a clear head all of the time now… a welcome change to having a stable mood… a welcome peculiarity to be balanced again… I like it…

I wonder how to cope with those stressful times now…

I need to find a way to relax… to unwind… to let go when a stressful situation gets me all bunched up inside… no – I don’t do yoga… I don’t meditate… my life is a constant state of meditation most days anyway… I’m constantly introspective – analyzing, accepting, letting things go… that will never change… it’s simply how I’m wired…

I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it I guess…

Anyway… good week ahead… I get to spend some time with someone I’ve wanted to get to know better… I may have a couple of unexpected nights without Olivia – her grandparents want to keep her for a few days after she gets her H1N1 vaccination… so time to work on my new collection of music for my first live set in years on Halloween night, and my first live set ever using CDJ’s instead of vinyl… it should be interesting… they make it too easy… I think I need to spend some time working on setting up my laptop to act as a sampler and effects processor… maybe get some good use out of an Allen & Heath midi controller I waited 9 months for and have used only once since getting it 3 months ago… my how time flies…

Anyway, this is simply degenerating into mindless rambling now, so Happy Monday everyone… until I write again…

I can see clearly now… (Dating and the Widowed Single Dad Part 2)

I haven’t written for several days… hadn’t felt the need… but two topics crossed my mind today worth exploring… for now, I’ll focus on one… the other, influenced and defined by the writing of a friend, is still finding form…

The topic I’m writing about been on my mind for a while now, as evidenced by some of the pieces I’ve posted… something I’ve been trying to coalesce and try to understand… it’s evolved over time, as I’ve been on my transformational journey of late… a time of awakening… of enlightenment… of evolving clarity…

I’ve had it in my head that I’ve wanted to find a mate again…. my other half… she who complements who I am so as not to go through my life alone… it’s evolved with the words I’ve shared… with the thoughts I’ve had… with the conversations I’ve had… with the adventures I’ve had… with understanding myself better and reacquainting myself with being honest… and open… and giving… and caring…

My interests… my crushes… my connections with people I know and with people I’m getting to know… they’ve led me down different paths… each exploring different aspects of whom I’ve wanted to find… most are unknown to those who I’ve contemplated, so I won’t go into any details so as not to create uncomfortable situations… especially since all are friends…

I’m a firm believer in friends first… building a trust… exploring intellectual and emotional intimacy before bringing the physical into play… I’ve not always followed my rule… but in the end on those rare occasions, it’s always comes back to the same conclusion… as I’ve known, and have realigned myself in my ways of thought, I’m not wired for casual… it’s just not my way… I’m not wired to bring a stranger home from a bar… not wired to brush those types of times off as so many in the world do… it’s just not my way… for me there needs to be something more…

I won’t lie… there are many times I’ve wished this weren’t so… wished that I could venture into the world of random wonton desire… but this simply isn’t for me…

There needs to be comfort… there needs to be a progression… there needs to be trust… there needs to be more… in some I’ve found these things… sharing intellectual intimacy… sharing emotional journeys… simply sharing… but I’ve found in my search that just sharing these things is not enough… there are too many other things involved…

There are many different types of people… there are friends… there are lovers… there are those who think like you… there are those who don’t… there are those you can be serious with… and there are those who are fun… there are those with ambition… there are those without… there are those who want children… there are those who don’t… there are smart people… there are simple… there are honest… there are not… there are people in all the different flavors in the world… and from all these choices… all these unique combinations… all these wonderful variations on personalities and life… there are those who through their distinct and unique personality that is their own, simply complement you… those who help complete who you are… and you them… and it’s for this unique combination that everyone is always searching…

I came to realize there are certain things I want… certain things beyond just the desire to be with someone… and I realized tonight that I finally do understand what they are… another enlightening night spent talking with someone who is wired like me in so many ways… someone who although has a very different upbringing, shares the same thoughts as I on many a topic… the same reasoning… someone who I am honored to call a friend… while we didn’t talk much about this topic directly, much of what we discussed helped me to clearly understand what is important to me… what I can’t live without… and what I will find someday…

What I found… what I realized… is that I crave a balance… I crave ambition… I crave family life… I crave a zest for life… I crave love… I crave physicality… I crave seriousness… and I crave sillyness… I crave someone who has all of this and more… and I have not found her yet… not crossed paths with her in my exploration of souls…

But then again, maybe I have… time will tell… I do know it’s not a possibility I’ve remotely explored… all I know for now in my curiosity is piqued… it’s not someone I had considered in seriousness before… someone who had caught my eye once… but dismissed as simply a drunken crush…

Even still… only a curiosity for now… but isn’t that how it always starts? Someone catches your eye… and you start to learn from there… start to get to know someone after something piques your curiosity… maybe it’s a pretty face… maybe it’s a conversation… maybe it’s a something else… but something starts it all and your mind runs from there… starts to consider the possibility… starts to figure out how to learn more and start filling in the blanks… starts to figure out if you’re compatible… starts to figure out…

I’m sure this isn’t the last time I’ll be visiting here with words on this topic… but that’s where I am today… pondering the possibilities… and going from there…

Monday…

I realized this morning that I haven’t felt the need to write in several days… there haven’t been any pressing matters on my mind… nothing to unravel… nothing to sort out… I’ve just been good… had a wonderful weekend… a great time and crazy adventure with friends on Friday night… a too tired should have gone to sleep earlier day on Saturday… and then a long, full day with relatively new but wonderful friends including our kids on Sunday… all is good in my world, and I don’t want to turn this blog into my daily ramblings about inconsequential things, so I’ll be back soon… just not today…

Strength…

“Some people think it’s holding on that makes one strong; sometimes it’s letting go”

These words were posted by a friend this morning… they strike close to home on a topic that’s been swirling in my head the last couple of days, especially since reading a piece another friend wrote yesterday in which she revealed in graphic detail the ordeal that she went through a few years ago that resulted in her leaving her husband and starting the difficult journey of raising her daughter and her son on her own…

In my writings over the past month, in learning the personal stories of an amazing group of new friends, and seeing in general that people everywhere face hardship and strife, I’d been thinking recently that it was necessary to explore the topic of strength… not physical strength, but emotional, intellectual, and mental strength… the strength to face adversity… the strength to deal with losing a loved one… the strength to pick yourself up by the bootstraps when times get tough… and the strength to even go from one day to the next when the entire world seems an obstacle…

We’ve all needed strength from time to time… if you’ve lost a job… if you’ve had trouble paying the rent one month… if you’ve been faced with a difficult medical issue… if you’ve had someone you love taken from you… if you’ve had to let go of love lost… there are so many reasons why we’ve all needed to look deep inside ourselves and figure out how to take the next step… how to get out of bed that next morning… how to be there for yourself… how to look past everything and be there for your child…

The words of my friend this morning hit home with me… I’ve come to the same realization on several different areas of my life where I’ve had to let go of something recently… I’ve touched on most of these topics on my previous writings, so except for losing my wife I won’t re-hash them here…

By far the most difficult area in my life to find strength has been in adjusting to losing my wife… I’ve had to face the difficulties I’ve had with her death over the 7 months prior head on, and let her go… let go of what we had and begin the process of building a new life without her… I’ll never forget her, and she will be with me always, but what we had will not… she’ll never walk through the front door again coming home from work… she’ll never be there to help me with my daughter… she’ll never be there for another holiday… she’ll never fall asleep next to me ever again… these were all things that were very hard for me to face… very difficult to try to adjust to… and while I’ve come a very long way already, they probably will be difficult for some time to come…

I’ve been told by many people that I’m stronger than I think in what I’ve had to face this past year… I’ve had to believe them, as so many can’t be wrong… but most days I don’t feel strong… I struggle to do the everyday things that most find so easy… I struggle some mornings just to get out of bed and start my day… granted it’s gotten easier over time, but even this morning I lay in bed for 5 minutes trying to decide whether it was even worth going to work, making my living, and go through my day… I struggle to make it through some nights with my daughter… getting her fed… playing with her… talking to her… doing bath time with her… reading to her before she slips off to sleep… these are all things I used to do with my wife… things we shared responsibility for… things we did together… there’s no more together though… no more having one of us take up the slack on a day when the other is feeling especially weary… no more taking turns if the other wanted a reprieve one night…

But all of that’s OK… because I can get through doing all these things even on the hard days… it’s not always easy, but I always get through it… and happily, most days aren’t like that anymore… most days with my daughter are wonderful… I don’t know what they’ve told her in school, but I do know that they’ve talked with her about Jen dying… she’s talked to me a bit about it, but 3 year olds aren’t always the most skilled at reciting what they’ve been told…

I know they’ve taught her that she’s in heaven and she’s happy… and she’s been more loving than ever to me since she started school… I get the hugest hugs when she comes home… she tells me she’s happy I’m her daddy… she tells me she loves me… these little things help so much… to hear these things from the mouth of a 3 year old puts a smile on my face, and chases away a lot of the hard times…

I look at what I’ve been through, and then I look at what others have gone through… are going through… and I don’t feel that what I face every day is so unmanageable anymore… losing my wife was difficult, and will be… but I have a beautiful daughter… I have a good job (although boring)… I have a nice house… and I’m financially in a good place… I have my health… I have good friends… I have loving family… I see the strength so many have looked inside themselves and found when they’ve needed it, and I don’t feel quite so alone anymore…

I hear the stories of others… heartbreaking stories… stories of loss… stories of financial hardship… stories of single mothers who have faced mind numbing adversity… stories of new love almost cut short… stories of years of mental and physical recovery caused by the actions of ignorance and violence… I look at all of these things and see the strength that so many people find within themselves and bring to bear on their own personal situations… and I find myself inspired by the stories I hear… I find strength I didn’t know I had… I find the hard days to be not so hard anymore…

So I guess my point in all this… the point of my rambling words this morning… is that when you feel the pressure of life getting to be too much… when you lay in bed trying to decide whether it’s even worth it to get up… when you feel loneliness set in… think about why you feel that way… and then look at those around you… look at what others are facing as you try to face your own adversities… look hard at how others reach deep down within themselves and find the strength to overcome… the strength to move forward… the strength to let go… the strength to live…

And then tell yourself, “If they can find that strength, if they can figure out how to take the next step, then so can I”.

Now tell me again why it’s good to be alone?

I had a rather lengthy, enlightening conversation last night… I seem to be having a lot of those lately… we talked about a lot of different topics, and ended up chatting for almost 5 hours, with it taking me 2 hours to actually leave after I started to go… it was my kind of night… real conversation… a real connection and intellectual intimacy…   it was a very good night with fantastic company… I hope it’s the first of many…

We touched on one topic in particular during our night… that it came up was very fitting to my recent state of mind and current topics of thought… except for the last few years as she’s dealt with her own particular challenges, she was generally a “relationship person”… as was I, she’s generally been happier being with someone in a serious relationship… being with someone and trying to create a life together and weathering the good, the bad, and the ugly that goes along with doing that…  trying to create something larger than herself and her partner individually, whomever he was at the time… in this way (and many others, as I had suspected) we are the same…

For a while our discussion centered on something we’ve both been told by friends on different occasions… “It’s good to be alone”… I’ve been trying to wrap my head around that concept for a while now… trying to understand how being alone is a good thing…

I do agree that having time to yourself is an important thing… there’s a difference though… it IS good to spend time alone… to be by yourself… to organize your thoughts… to write… to create music, art, or practice whichever creative outlet suits you… to read… to decompress… to listen to the songs of insects in the woods on a chill clear night… all of those things alone can be good… it provides a sense of peace… a sense of order… a sense of self knowledge… and a sense of truth…

That’s not what they meant though…

Having that time is a far cry different than spending your life alone… spending your life without someone with whom you together are larger than the sum of you both individually… spending your life without your other half… this is what we talked about…

We asked “why is it good?”… and we couldn’t come up with a reason… we didn’t agree with what we’ve been told… we really don’t think that it’s a good thing and the rest of the world be damned for trying to convince us otherwise…

Some people seem happier to be alone… honestly I don’t know if it’s actual happiness, or if deep down they yearn to find their other half… if they do what they have to being alone because they don’t have another… don’t have a choice for whatever their particular reason… ambition… selfishness… not being able to be truthful to themselves… not being able to be truly honest with another… not being able to accept everything about another person, whether they agree with it or not… simply accepting someone for who they are and respecting them for it and finding joy that they are who they are… I think that’s the hardest part that most people never figure out…

I will admit I’ve needed the past month by myself to get some things straight in my head about life, the universe, and everything… while it would have been better to spend that time alone on a beach somewhere warm with 90 degree water, sun, and a frozen rum drink only a wave of the hand away, I’m glad I’ve spent the last month where I was… it’s allowed me to face a lot of truths… truths about myself… truths about others… truths about life… I don’t know that I would have realized the things I have in that time had I not been able to have the conversations I’ve had with friends…

I think, though, that I’ve realized the things I need to realize in my time alone… my writing, my pondering, and my discussions have taken me down a path of self realization… a path of understanding what I need to be happy… a path of understanding where I want my life to go… it’s helped me re-acquaint myself with my former sense of enlightenment…

I’ve accepting the things that have had to be put behind me… remembered those who I need to always remember… and changed the things I needed to change… in my lifestyle… in my way of thinking… in everything… I’ve truly learned who I am… what I want… what truly makes me happy… I’ve learned I’m not the only one like me… that there are others… that there are poets, and philosophers, and livers of life… that there are people out there that work hard and play hard, and that’s OK… that’s the balance we choose to keep, and the balance that makes us right… most importantly, I’ve learned that I can be happy again… I can find someone who complements who I am… my other half is out there… and that all I need to do is keep my eyes open to realize when I’ve found that other soul…

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Married life…

I had realized Saturday that I had nothing to write about… I had been having a wonderful time, and was honestly too busy doing things to even consider sitting down and typing any words… I was also at peace with everything in my life and didn’t have a need… nothing to ponder… nothing to philosophize about… nothing that needed straightening out…

I felt the same way this morning… I mostly had a good day… I had a sad spell as I brought all of the pictures of Jen back out today… I had found the box I had been looking for finally… my house cleaner had moved them down to the basement with a lot of other framed art that I don’t have hanging at the moment… it was a bit of a sad spell made a little worse by the whole being stuck inside on a rainy Sunday thing… but it wasn’t bad… I reminisced for a bit, and found happiness in the memories I conjured, and went on with the rest of my day with my daughter…

So this morning I was on Facebook after the sad spell… it was a rainy Sunday morning, so there was more than usual of the morning chatter between myself and a new group of friends who I’m very happy to have met… status updates… comments… not quite conversations…

A comment from a new friend today made me realize something… and gave me my muse for the evening… to tackle a truth and find a new turning point that I had never brought to the surface before… it’s something that I know is true… that I have known is true for quite some time… it’s just something I had never put into words and accepted until I typed my words today…

Her comment had something to do with wishing she had a 2nd half on days like today, as she was taking care of her two kids, and nursing what I can only imagine is a pretty terrible cold if it’s anything like the one I’ve had for the last 2 weeks… another new friend had mentioned being single for the last 9 years but wishing on some days she had a 2nd half too… it made me realize how bizarre the adjustment into being single has been for me… that I’ve not been single really in close to 17 years… I knew that already, and have mentioned it, but never really allowed the truth of it to come forward… as I thought about being single, and the reason I’m writing today, quite simply…

I liked being married…

As was evidenced by stepping back and looking at the fact that I’ve lived with someone for almost the past 17 years before Jen’s death (10 with Jen, 6 ½ with someone else with only a couple of months in between), I like sharing my life with someone… coming home to someone every night… being able to be open and honest about absolutely everything… not having to worry about, as one of my new friends put it, “the interpretation factor”… being there for someone to do the same… I liked the good… I liked the bad… I liked the commitment… I liked the family… sharing everything… sharing responsibility… sharing joy… and sharing pain… all of it together brought me joy…

Marriage isn’t for everyone… I know this… divorce rates show us that at a glance… most people think it’s what they’re supposed to do… the find a mate… they get married… they have kids… and then they find out they don’t know themselves enough to be able to truly commit to another… don’t know themselves enough to be honest with themselves, never mind someone else… most people who get married don’t ever reach a point of complete honesty with their husband or wife… don’t ever get past jealousy… get past many of the things that often keep a marriage from being able to work… they don’t really understand what a marriage even is… it’s not always both sides that don’t understand this… often just one who ruins the entire thing…

But when you do find that… when you give yourself up to it… when you make the realization that someone else is more important, and that they truly feel the same about you every day… that they are who they are, and are only looking for someone who lets them know that that’s ok… when you find someone with the same flavor of crazy as you… when you find that… and when you both realize that… then you have something special… don’t get me wrong – it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever done being married – it’s work… but it’s worth every second of the bad times for the good times you have…

I’ve heard many people tell me of how they don’t want to get married because it’s no different than living together… why complicate things? They’re wrong… it is different… my wife and I lived together for a few years before we married… we thought we knew it all… but it’s different… when you come home married after the wedding… when you sit there and just sort of think, “Now what”… it isn’t then that you realize how different it is… it’s much further on…

Our running joke when friends of ours hit their first wedding anniversary was “Congratulations! You made it!”… the first year is interesting to say the least… the first year is when the fear sets in that the person you married is the person you’re going to be with til death do you part… well I guess many don’t think that way based on divorce statistics, but we did… maybe we were old fashioned in how we thought, but we recognized what marriage was… we knew that it was for better or for worse… so long as we were true to each other and didn’t betray our trust to each other, there was no problem so great that we wouldn’t be able to overcome it… it meant seeing the dark side of each other… seeing sides of each other that weren’t sugar coated… it meant accepting each other… truly accepting each other for who we truly were… and it was a two way street… without the same openness, honesty, and acceptance from each of us to the other, it wouldn’t have worked…

But it did work… we had our good times and our bad… in the months leading up to Jen’s death it was more bad than good, but it was a journey we were on together… we loved each other despite anything else that had happened in our time together… we stood by each other…  we had truly figured out what marriage was, and we liked it…

Which brings me to where I am today… and why I felt the need to write…

After my 17 years with someone else… after that long a period of time with sharing a life with someone and now finding myself on my own… but not even on my own because I still provide a family for my daughter alone… after all of that, now I’m alone, but not quite… I’m getting comfortable with it… getting comfortable with coming home to an empty house… with not sharing meals with someone other than my daughter… with not having adult conversation most nights because I can’t leave the house after she goes to bed… with trying to find things to fill my time when in the past it would be as simple as snuggling in a warm king sized bed with my wife and not saying anything and watching tv…

But that’s OK… I will always miss what we had, but don’t live in the past… oddly enough, the point of this piece was summed up beautifully by a friend only moments ago… a Facebook status update that captured what I had already accepted by writing this and what was the entire point of why I typed these words…

“When we look back and see all of what we wanted once is now just a temptation of a beautiful nightmare, we can finally begin to see and know who we truly are and what we truly want and it is now we are able to let go of the past as it was simply fate to be, a stepping stone or a deep chapter to who we become now. What is now is the truth…”

She jotted these words down as she lay in bed last night, smiling about an inspiring conversation she had with someone earlier… it’s beautifully and simply true…

I liked being married… I liked sharing a life… but that’s not to be for now… for now I am a father… I am a friend… I am myself, on my own in this world… not searching for anything any longer, but simply being and enjoying that which this life has to offer… I do want to remarry at some point… but not for the sake of marrying… I want to remarry because it means that I will have found someone to share my life with again… someone who wants that commitment… someone who I feel is more important than I… and I to her… but in due time… these things can’t be rushed, and can’t be used as an end to be looked for… it will either happen or it won’t as it’s meant to be…